This has been a tough week for me emotionally. I weaned Josiah. My goal was to wait until he was a year old. He turned one Feb 2nd. So it's been a slow process. I finally ended this past week. It seems instantly he grew up in my mind. In reality, he's been on the big boy track for months.
Maybe it's because of his size, or maybe because he's reached milestones a little faster than Eden, but Josiah hasn't been my little baby for many month. Nursing him was my last hold to the special time we had with one another. It was sweet times of rocking and singing and telling him how much I loved him. Nursing was a special time when things could be quite and still for a few moments. Dirty dishes and dusty surfaces waited. I was able to stop the chaos of my day and just be still with my baby for a few minutes. The middle of the night feeding went much longer than I would have hoped, but I enjoyed the quite time. It was a fruitful time of prayer for me. I was purposeful about enjoying it because I knew a day like today would come, and it would soon end.
And yes, I know there is plenty more time and different ways I can show Josiah my love. I am looking forward to it. But, my baby time with Josiah is gone. He's growing up. This awesome rough and tumble boy has emerged. And I'm glad. He brings me so much joy, and such worry. He is way more daring and fearless than Eden. He loves all things boy. Cars, climbing and getting dirty are part of his daily adventures. I've never had to teach him these things, it's just ingrained in who he is. He is a special gift from God.
There is also a freedom that is involved for me. I have either been nursing or pregnant non stop for the past 43 months! That's almost 4 years worth. I think that plays more into my emotions than I realize. It's a season of my life that is now over. There is no one immediately dependant on my body for their well being. I went to take some medicine last night and thought about if I should take it or not. Then realized that It wouldn't be an issue because it wouldn't effect anyone but me. That was the first time in years that I could make that kind of decision. I had a mixed response of feeling free and sad. I'm smiling at the future. But at the same time being sad that this season has passed. It seems like just yesterday we brought him home.
This is just part of motherhood. The beginning of letting go; Allow my children to grow. This should be much harder than dealing with Eden's first broken heart or Josiah going off to college. Or maybe it's all hard! Maybe it's never supposed to be easy. That's why it's called Motherhood!